Glimer of Hope

I remember walking through the door with my list. Now, shaking my head in memories, I'm wandering somewhere between ketchup and crutons. Stick to the list, for Christ's sake, stick to the damn list.

How did i get lost again?

I look down; and to my amazement I have followed this frail yellow amount of yarn to the end. It has almost unraveled in my hand. Wrapped fiercely around my three middle fingers, it throbs alone. My thumb fingers it, rubs it, my thumb obsesses over the softness in this life-line home.

It occurs to me: The scampering about that must have taken place as I raced to follow the string back home. All that time? Is it really over? Why cant I remember every second of the way,the way my body cries it needs too. I resemble an addict, watching the pipe, sickly waiting.

Pathetic really.

As I put the food into the pantry, I realize I bought you some cookies. Without realizing it, and having no control, my emotional sink pours over every detail. In the end i am scarfing down chips a hoy, dunking chocolate kisses in tears, drowning my reality again.

The person he must be inside. An emerging dragon of life that recklessly flaunts his fire. I'm covered in crumbles by now. My never endless thoughts have led me deeper into my dream.

Holding my phone, willing it to ring.

I've wrapped up inside your leather coat.

Meshing with the taunt smell,

Melting into my glimmer of hope.

Hours later I realize I've lost more life. I cant remeber if I slept. I dont know when I woke. Are these fragile walls real? Am i still here? I was the one who picked that throbing red color over the stairs. Now the shade deepens my ache. Nothing has ever been more fully real than this enveloping frost.

By this tedious minute, I should have died. Broken, I plead, "God, why can I not move forward?"

Reflections of years slowly mount up, exploding with midnight love making and taunting my neck with thoughts of your lips dancing slowly on my skin. But I must hate you, relive the hell, not the abyss I was so lost in.

So I admire how the serpent leaves the angel broken, violated and squirming to find that shred of truth.

I envy the power he posesses. Though the sad way he aquried it was foolish. I watched him harmonize with evil. He traded reality for chemical kisses, to keep himself strong. Deals like that will leave him flailing about worse than me. Worse than me.

Why could I not save him? Why was I not enough for him? We are but only human. The most adaptable creature there is. Why could we not adapt to this place? Our space. Ones that others spend lifetimes trying to aqurie. What selfish, worthless souls the Devil bargins for. No glimmer of hope here.

All my life lies in faith that my suffering was payment. Payment to He who sufferd first. My influence was simply not strong enough to show him, turn him, bring him here to the light. I feel I failed us. I took us all down in flames. Me, obsessed with showing him how dazzeling my own dirty flames could reach. Remember them: Burning you. Oh how we lasted all through the night on one spark.

Was it God who put out my fire?
Was it my quest for pureness that broke my heart?
Did I get rescued, the way i begged for you to do. "Save yourself," you screamed. I didn't know how.

Why feel worthless around the one who pays me in tounge lashings of both the positive and negitive kind; when there is he who shall pay me in a grander soul. One I've tasted, years ago when I was tickled to tears by my father.

A small ray of what I wanted,

What I yearned to be.

Maybe there is a glimmer of hope in me.