humm, what is it about us women? why do i allow my emotional sink to runneth over?
who really cares, right. seriously, i find myself asking why the difference in emotional capacity? i have witnessed miracles from a man. personally i have seen one look into the eyes of a truly loving better half and repeat the words Just Get Out! Girl, get up off your knees. Am i truly hearing this, is she begging for him to stay.
If you were to see this part played out on the big screen by juila roberts and jude law, you would connect with her and feel her pain. and because it is not you being ejected from a vehilcle, you even tell her to get up, she is making a fool of herself. if this happened to your best friend, you would bring ice cream or margaritas and bash it into her how she so much better, and next week she will do the same to you, maybe not about a man, but she will be there anyway, saying something important. but if it was you....
well i admire those that got out the first time he said that this just wasn't going to work....yeah, let me know how you ignored your body scurring to grasp each memory to go over later, how you knew even though there were 24 hours a day in which to replay these memories, You actually disregarded the songs, smells, foods, sex, looks, games, shows, driving experiences, bull shit, fights, childrens colds, growing together, that you did with that muther fucker, and you send me a damn message with instructions on what to take to turn off that part of the brain, thanks.
i can see how that is the right choice to make: but God blessed me with 0 percent rationality...so im having breathing problems im crying so hard, mumbling something as snot drips from my nose.....
feeling right then: if he actually drives down this drive way i will die. i dont know how to b br bre brea breat breath breathe without him, oh my god, no i cannot, i will not get out of this truck....just look at me baby, you love me, you love us...no just look at me and tell me you dont love me....God Damnit JUST LOOK AT ME....thinking how can you resist this face, crying with pain for you, you are not going to really hurt me this much, are you, after 45 minutes of pleading, reallly you look bad and he is thinking ,yeah, you really need to go you crazy bitch....
anyway, so i think even further back to see when i can pinpoint when this crazy, irrational behavior took hold of what was to be a brilliant package.yes it is true, i have acted a fool before, i remember being on my knees in a movie rental store....saying just come home with me, home being his parents or mine, cause it was just highschool baby....
wow, how embarrasing. i should not post that, but fuck it right, im here to be real. well, my lovely husband tells me all the time im crazy. he likes to group all women together in one category titled "fucking nuts" he purposly plays tricks on me and hurts my feeling often, teaching me in this mean world to lighten up, i think this is his message.? tough love i guess...or is it the MAN IN HIM.
only today did i realize im living my life scared im going to be back out in that driveway, or in that movie place. next time am i really going to beat myself up worse than any of you or you, ever could have?
no. i dont think i will. i see my daughters walking around my house with my attitude....oh my, is it scary. and actually a bit pathetic!
but, before i would have said yes. so lets all pray, all the time for strength.
strength to get up and walk away next time you find your self in any situation that is not worth your time. maybe by starting small, here around me, i will build my strength slowly, until i am a fortress of woman, who like man, can withstand tears, even if they are my own, and walk away.
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